Mommy Wears Osh Kosh

Way back when I was weird. I had days when I didn't want anyone to know and then days when I was unabashed and certainly not ashamed of being different. Until one day Mom and I were shopping in Traverse City and I fell in love with a pair of overalls. They were dark wash, loose fitting, and had a white star embroidered on the front bib. This particular pair was held up with strings that you tied in the back. They were just cool enough to not be too weird. Then, like most everything else, I made them weird. I dipped my hands in white paint and put hand prints all over them. I wore them to school and now I know what it's like to be the girl that maybe but maybe not is pulling that off... Looking back, getting audibly laughed at didn't bother me that day because I was in love with what I was wearing. I defended my outfit and thus defended myself. Those bibs were an expression of who I was and who I wanted to be. I wanted to be different and forge my own path and for whatever reason that morning, I was daring and willing to put myself out there.

I now have a new pair of overalls. These come straight from the closet of my 73 years young father-in-law. They are already broken in where they should be and the fit is loose enough to let the breeze in, if you catch my drift. Trust me, blackberry picking in 100 degree Georgia weather makes you appreciate a well placed breeze. I wear them around the 40 acres like I'm Tom Sawyer's niece on a mission. They're my full access wear. Once again, bibs are taking part as an expression of who I am today.

This outfit says it all. Well, all there is to say really of the past several months. This is how I have looked:

Tank Top: from my punk rock days, circa 2005ish

Bibs: Osh Kosh

Boots: hand me down

Hat: Husband's, from highschool

I Hit Rock Bottom With a Bang

Dear Me, My Best Friend + All Of My Imaginary Friends,

WE DID IT!

Love to You,

Ashley Marie

28th Year

You want to talk about a rough year? Nah. Well, maybe. I really want to tout my survival. Over these past 13 months I found out truths of lies that devastate me. I have found out things that made me want to turn my back on love and run for anywherebuthere. My picture perfect fresh start turned out to be anything but. How did I get to here? To today? How did I make it? I have something to say about maturity. Coming to terms with reality and taking responsibility is hard, especially when there are other lives complicating things but lives that also depend on your ability to be an adult. It's rough when you are really trying to muster up the courage to run to your mother and blow your cover of "Everything is great!" but it takes all of your energy to try desperately to shield your children from the stark realizations you are having. I feel as though I am the child in The Giver who has realized pain in the world for the first time. As a victim of several childhood abuses, I never thought I would suffer so vastly as an adult. I have spent my entire life fighting to not be an adult victim. However, as one dark day clouded the next and then the one after that went up in flames and then the one after that I lost completely... I have flashbacks of myself lying on the floor in a flood of tears and sorrow, I have flashbacks of myself pitching fits to rival Catherine Linton's, I have flashbacks of those times I tried to get out of life. I am a victim of not only my surroundings but my mind. With just enough support to keep my lifeless head out of the water, I have survived. As a plus, I survived with no visible scars and not a single {obvious} mental disorder. Yay Me!

How? That's a loaded question.

I guess realizing that where you are, no matter who's fault it is, doesn't matter nearly as much as who you are while you are there. You can either let your surrounding consume you or fuel you. I'll be damned if I give up and live like this for the rest of my life. Although, I would be remiss if I did not count the blessings that I receive that have given me a place to pull strength from. I not only have relationships to nurture to keep me alive but also a certainty of support in case I to need to rely on someone besides myself for protection from a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. That, ma' dears, is how I made it through.

"Until the day breaks and the shadows flee away."

Here, I wrote this:

As I look at myself in the mirror, it is as if I just woke from a sleep that relieved me of the past year. I have come to this place by way of an epic journey. The details are not as important as the success of endurance. Determination, blood sweat & tears, damned stubbornness, sheer willpower, and love have been my companions. I can see the effect these experiences have had on my age. Twenty eight years of thread have already spun a tapestry of such detail and story. This is the tale of the pretty girl in the trailer park.

Well, there's much to share and many ways and days to let it happen. Later.

On New Beginnings

I have been soooo busy. Too busy for the internet and trust me, I'm like you, so that's like, a big BIG deal. I have finally managed to throw a few bags overboard and now spend less time saving a sinking ship!

One of the things I've been working the most on is my farm. Not just the plowing, planting, and upkeep of the gardens (yes, plural) but the image, design, face, marketing, media presence, dreams, goals, plans, certifications, and morecrapIdon'twanttothinkaboutrightnow. All of this is a tad bit overwhelming. Today I decided to do what I do when I get overwhelmed: play. As usual I opened Pinterest and began to soak up as much inspiration as possible, which is usually a pretty entertaining adventure I enjoy. However, do you know what happened? I got hella discouraged. I saw all of these photos of gorgeously designed farms and read blogs of people who know more and are so much farther along all over the country. I saw people doing exactly what I wanted to be doing and they were doing it so well I didn't even want to bother being creative anymore. Um, kind of a reverse emotion to 'inspiration'. Somehow, I started to feel insignificant. I am so impatient and I want to be further along in my efforts of doing what we're doing. Plus, even though starting from scratch and getting to choose your path is liberating, it's also terrifying to those of you like me who just can't ever pick the BEST of the best of the BEST one, you know? "Where do we go from here?" has so many possibilities! I always seem to spoken to at just the right time:

Also, I read this post on Megan Gilger's blog: Staying Sane? and it helped put everything into perspective and give myself a freakin break. Just because I have not been able to do everything I want to do does not mean that I haven't gotten anything done. I am right where I want to be, I just have to keep going. Keep GOING. You're still #GSD. (BOOM! Look at me being all up to the what nots with the culture and all. Honestly, I am not sure how long I have been out of the loop but I just learned a few days ago what #GSD stood for. Wow.)

Then, I read this on HelloGiggles and it made me laugh: 

6 Signs You Are About To Have A Meltdown

Now I've accomplished something else, a blog post! Two, actually. You can check out what else I've been doing here: www.hillmanorfarm.blogspot.com. I'm about to completely revamp my sites, has anyone seen an up to date 'Bring Your Blog Up To Date' type post? I need help catching up on what I should be providing my readers. For reals.

xoxo

Life Happens

My goodness I have been overwhelmed! I managed to do what I do best: get myself swallowed up by life.

Brett and I still exist happily with our boys:

I found myself a job {a job that's perfect for a couple with 3 kids, starting a farm, and renovating a huge house} as a waitress. I love my job, I wake up for my shift and never hardly ever complain about having to go in because I get to look at gorgeous, creative things like this:

I work my hind end off for them when scheduling allows and in the meantime I work my hind end off renovating our house. It would be a lie to say we work off of a budget... because there isn't one. Although I suppose technically an extra $20 every couple of weeks would be a budget. What we lack in assets we make up for in elbow grease. We have managed to do an awesome chevron wall and mix and match our house full of eclectic furniture to get a comfy somewhat formal living room...flooring to be tackled next:

I'm not including photos of our hallway, bathroom, laundry room, kitchen, and den just yet. We knew our space allowed for us to entertain over the holidays so we went on a blitz and started one billion projects that all had to be done by NOW! Sigh. But at least I'm leaving you with something to look forward to! *muah*

Then there was a lot this:

Aiden Gray started Kindergarten and O'Ryan began 4th Grade! Thankfully we already had a routine in place for O'Ryan's homework hour that Aiden was able to slip right into. But man, can I just insert my Mommy B*tch in right here and say that I think it's ridiculous that a kindergarten student has homework? Or as much as he does? Needless to say though, I'm proud of my little one for excelling despite the fact that his father and I made the HORRIBLE decision (we were reminded over, and over, and over again about it) not to enroll him in Pre-K but to let his wild spirit be free for one more year? na na na na boo boo 

Then there's this mess of cuteness:

We also welcomed some new friends to our starter farm:

Well, we've been busy... and we will be busier, God willin' and the creek don't rise! If you would like, you can also find me on the blog I've started for the farm: www.hillmanorfarm.blogspot.com

Talk to you later!

Bye!

EEEEK!

MY MOM BOUGHT ME MY SPARKLY

NEW YEAR'S EVE

 DRESS!!!

(If only I would have filmed myself opening the package!)

Can't Wait to Celebrate!

Fall is here! I am so excited to celebrate Halloween, prepare an amazing Thanksgiving meal, visit with family coming in from overseas, and experience Christmas in my big house with my amazing family. I'm MOST excited about New Year's Eve though. This year, of all years, I'm putting a lot of hope into doing something amazing! 27 New Years and honestly I have yet to live the dream... 

The dream is to be decked out,  in a crowded gorgeous room, with a glass of champagne and a kiss. 

I want to wear this:

Also, I'm linking up here because it's awesome.

Glass Breaks, Lesson Learned

I can't remember what the weather was like outside. I can't remember what the house even looked like from the street corner. I can't even tell you which house we were in... What I can tell you is that while visiting in Michigan at around 12 years old I was putting the clean dishes into the cabinet and I broke something. It was fragile, obviously really old, and beautiful. I was so upset. I was also scared I was going to get into major trouble! This thing had to be important. Turns out, it was. However, to my surprise my mom walked in and although obviously disappointed, didn't seem to be angry at me. I found out that I had broken a piece of her grandmothers wedding china. I could have cried for days! I understood the significance because back in Georgia I was raised in a household where the china stayed in the cabinet and wasn't even used for special occasions. It was to look at, not use. That's pretty normal from what I gather. Here, however, it was used daily. Mom said to me something along the lines of, "Well, it's bound to happen. I could keep it put up but what's the use in looking at it? I'd rather use it and enjoy it like it was meant to be." That was that. I learned a valuable lesson that day. I have actually already had similar situations happen with both of my children and when they were scared about getting in trouble, I shared this story.

Right on cue, Mom sent me a note from MariaMontessori.com. The article is titled "If At First You Don't Succeed, GREAT!!!" You can read it here. Doesn't it make sense to allow a child to learn just the way every other human learns... naturally?

How else is Aiden Gray going to learn to carry his juice carefully so it doesn't spill if he doesn't learn that, duh, juice spills. So what if there's a mess to clean up... over and over and over and over again. Eventually it stops. Who knows, he may get so good at balancing his cup that he develops an impressive skill! For instance, I remember carrying piping hot coffee from the kitchen all the way to the shop for my Poppa... I only spilled it once or twice and got burned before I started being very careful. As a matter of fact, I got so good at carefully carrying hot coffee, that I could run the 50 yards and not spill a drop. Honest!

So get this, I searched the net for the above picture of the broken teacup and wandered upon an amazing blogger. Her name is Audra Silva, obviously, and she has a button up on her blog that I took particular interest in. Something I'm working on personally as a matter of fact.

I read her series and I'm sharing her button she made for it. It's a worthy read if you have children and find, too, that sometimes my reaction to frustration is controlled by my temper and not my mind. I strive to be an amazing mother but I know sometimes I feel like I just can't take anymore. Moments like these every sound or  "MOOOOM!?" call irritates me to no end. Personally, I have found letting go of trying to control their every move to keep them from making mistakes keeps me much calmer when they do make mistakes.

So on that note, I have something else to share! Mom sent me this book called "Free Range Kids". Then she sent it to me again. If you want it, I'll send you the second copy. First person to send me a note gets it: chickadette@gmail.com. You can read it about it by clicking the following photo:

Friggin' BC

"Birth Control: As If A Monthly Curse Wasn't Enough"

"Birth Control: The Little Pill With A Will"

"Birth Control:  There's Already One Octomom"

Maaan. Well... Woe-maaaan. I went to the health department for the first time to get birth control for the first time in years. I have had a healthy fear of birth control for, like, ever.  It's a short uncomplicated story.

I prefer to not use it. I am personally very sensitive to any medication and the added hormones have an immediate effect on me. The problem is that I also seem to be very fertile. After my divorce I knew I had to go back to traditional methods just to keep myself safe... for sure. I started taking the pill again. Well guess how that turned out?

At the very least he's adorable!

So anyway, apparently just taking a pill is not going to be enough. We immediately started using old fashioned methods after he was born but now that I've stopped breastfeeding the thought of getting pregnant again keeps me up at night! I pulled out the pills I had and started taking them again but noticed immediately how bat shit crazy I became. No bueno. I took a trip to my local health department to find out what my options were. I have heard of the countless blessings an IUD offers so I inquired about that only to find out that I had to have several tests done and that I had to wait several months to get them. In the meantime, I was offered the DEPO shot or a Nuvaring. Knowing that I was sensitive to hormones I went with the Nuvaring. That way, at the very least, I could take it out. Once you're injected with the shot, you're at it's mercy for 3 months. Although I am pleased with the overall hormonal 'ride' that the Nuvaring has taken me on, I am quite unhappy with the side effects that seem to appear in the bedroom. I also have been having a hard time concentrating, forget words, and I feel like a Zombie.

I have decided to stick with it for the next month, it's only been 2 weeks after all, and then shoot for the IUD if possible. However, I can't help considering just dropping it and taking our chances. I hate being effected by it. If I can't even handle the Nuvaring, will I be able to handle the IUD?

Has anyone had previous experiences and could offer opinions for me to consider? The internet offers so many conflicting opinions I have gotten NO WHERE in my decision making. I am specifically curious about those of you who are also sensitive to birth control and what you have found to be sufficient protection.

Balance & The Equinox

Today is the equinox......balancing the amount of light and dark, night and day, yin and yang. -Linda

Everything just makes so much sense today. 

Today was a day of personal achievement.

I learned today that my hard work and dedication is proving beneficial.

Balance is being achieved and I could not be more at peace!

How delightful to be in tune with the Universe!

Quality vs. Quantity

First post of the week, YAY! 

I'm going to celebrate because I'm going to take in all the 'plus' that I can. I had a sick baby, ya'll. No lie. It happened to me. Well, him. Poor little guy even had an allergic reaction to his medication. Unfortunately, it seems his daddy's luck was an inheritable trait! Thankfully he also inherited him mama's immune system and has seemed to kick it to the curb. *fingers crossed* 

Declan likes to do what we all like to do when he's sick... watch television. My 5 month old is in LOVE with Disney's Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I mean, I like it too, but he REALLY likes it. I wouldn't usually let him watch so many episodes in one day, but he was quite persistent about it. He was so darn cute. I wish we had a photo. This will have to do... it's an 'awwww' moment just the same:

*no, I do not have my sick baby at the fair... this was before*
*no, I'm not wearing make up... I look weird, eh?*

Man, I've been through it this week. My husband's ex decided to waltz back into our lives this week demanding visitation rights that she lost quite some time ago. I learned this week that it is even harder to take the high road than I thought. We discussed every option and finally decided on one that benefited everyone, we think and hope and pray. It's so so so hard to work an extended family. If you're considering it, with no clue what you're getting yourself into, ASK. Find out what you're up against. I was raised in it and was lucky enough to learn from it but it has not made it any easier and I still feel like I have no flippin' clue what the hell I'm doing. Find a solid support system too. I mean that. You'll need someone telling you to either stay sane or get sane. You better have tough skin too. I can best describe what I mean with this: Have you ever seen the Modern Family episode where Jay is recounting the visit Manny, his 'stepson', had with his 'real' dad once or twice a year? Jay says (and I paraphrase), "I know I'm not Manny's father... but maybe I don't like being reminded." or something like that. That is because of things like this:

O'Ryan: "Mom? You know what'd be cool? If I had a Lego figure of you!"
Me: not expecting to see this 15 minutes later:

I love my husband. I love my sons. I love my family.

I wanna 'RAWR' right here right now like a mama bear.
If for any reason, just to prove my point. <3

Backporch Sunshine

I hope you are lucky enough to get to sit on a Southern Porch at least once in your life.

I hope for you that you get to rock in a wicker chair,

 listen to the cicadas and the bullfrogs communicate, 

and talk about the day with a whippoorwill!

The above photo is last night's sunset and the photo below is this morning's sunrise.

<3

I found these amazing videos I couldn't help but share:

I'm going to try to record our whippoorwill tonight!

Have a gorgeous Sunday!

What I'm Excited About Wearing

Source: refinery29.com via Chickadette on Pinterest

Bam! What an awesome way to start this post, eh? I would love to be so statuesque!  I'm on a fashion kick so excuse me while I look forward to a few of my favorite looks coming up this fall!  I'll try to post my versions as "What I Wore" posts!

Source: wanelo.com via Chickadette on Pinterest

Source: needsupply.com via Nicole on Pinterest

Source: express.com via Reiko on Pinterest

Fashion Alert!

I LOVE coming across a new trend that I can be a part of... 

especially when the added bonus is me not looking too out of the ordinary, 

like I usually do. Anyway, any excuse will do! 

So without further ado!

If you don't get ASOS's emails, you should. They are amazing! They send out several announcing sales and such like everyone else, but they also send out trend reports which, for me, are always on cue! To my delight, they listed what they are calling a 'Trophy Jacket' as a must have for F/W '12! They advertise: "Turn heads in a trophy jacket. Embellished, brocade, or jacquard: whatever, as long as it's loud." I'm not sure if you already knew it was called a 'Trophy Jacket' but I didn't so I'm excited to have an official term for my collection! That's right, I've been collecting jackets like these for years! Take a look at a few ASOS has for sale:

Did you notice what I did? They look like a collection of a bunch of fashionable old lady jackets! Some even have 3/4 inch sleeves, which I've found to be the case when I fit into petite sizes when thrifting. I usually buy them anyway (I once scored a $400 dinner coat for $5... even though it was 2 sizes too small. I wear it anyway because the shoulders fit!) and I'm so glad because now I can sport them on trend! 

Me wearing my $5 score!

My Darling Declan

Oh! My bebe Declan is 5 months old already! He's starting to crawl and I am a complete mess over it. I want him to grow but I want it to be slooooowly. His little baby days are flying by! I wish I were one of those super moms who managed to remember to have pictures of her baby taken on a schedule... but I'm not. Ha... in my book, to be a super mom, just remember your babies milestones. Heck, or remember their birth weight on cue!

So here's a collection of my favorite photos since his birth. They make me smile just the same! 

You Gotta Have Friends

I love perusing sidebars of other bloggers.

I find that it's the only way to keep up with what's going on out there! 

I have found out about these since I've been back online. 

Check them out, and find me!

I won't lie, I wanted to be a part of this just so I could put the button on my page! I love the colors and the way it was designed. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that Shane took the time to create a map of fellow bloggers. I am excited about contacting those near me and meeting up for some fun and collaboration!

Why not link up with others who's dreams are similar to yours. Why not soak up the encouragement of women who have been where you are and are where you want to be?

DIY Fishtail Maxi Dress

Alright, I'll admit it... I'm a self made fashionista. I do not have the room in our budget to adorn myself in the latest fashions, so I have to make do with what I've got! Don't we all? I am certainly not complaining, the opportunity to express my creativity is fulfilling!

I am not sure if it was last year or the year before but I spotted a dress I fell in love with when I was out shopping with friends. You know the one, the loose fitting slightly draped gathered waist dresses. I think I was at JCrew but I know I saw some at several of the outlet stores. 

Surely you've seen the type, these are from Revolve Clothing:

             

Anyway, I hardly ever shell out full price for anything and before I even dare go shopping I see if I can make do with what I've got. Well, let me tell you... I did it! I have this maxi dress, see... I bought it on sale for like $8 from ASOS (excellent site for sale shoppers, btw) and I wear it everywhere. I pulled it out while on vacation and it was hot so I wanted something shorter. I wanted a day dress. So I reached down and grabbed the sides of the dress right at my thighs and I hiked it up. I then took my most used fashion accessory, a men's belt I found at a thrift store that's about an XXL, and I did what I always do with it: I wrapped it around my waist to hold up the excess fabric. Then I untucked the dress a bit and VOILA! I got what I was looking for. I EVEN got the added surprise of the fishtail in the back!!! I couldn't believe it, a double whammy! I paired it with my brightest fuschia colored lace bra to add a pop of color and I could not have been happier with the look. Just between you and me, I wore this for like 3 days in a row.

Ugh! Terrible posture, eh? Whatev's... we were on vacay!

So that's that, my DIY Fishtail Maxi Dress. I would imagine any maxi dress would work and any type of waist belt would, too. I hope it works out for you!

I'm linking up with Julie at White Lights on Wednesdays for her Wednesday Whatsits. Check it: 

&

 & 

Sweater Weather Fashion Faves

It's that time of year again! 

Time to look less sexy and more comfy.

Break out the scarf! I collect them, so the first sign of a chill and I'm all thrilled!

I personally carry my hoodie year round, but I like having the good old 'campfire' excuse to snuggle up in it.

I can't resist a good cardigan with skinnnies and fall fave footwear, boots.

I buy cardigans everywhere, but my fave spot to score them is thrift stores.

I personally seek the 'old lady' type. 

The sleeves often are a bit short, but I roll them or at the most, hem them to a crop fit.

I was delighted years ago when wearing shorts and tights became a fashion must.

This look, with a classic velvet jacket, gives way for my desire to be edgy and comfy.

  

I achieve my most favorite look by pairing my skinny black skirt 

with a pair of thigh high stockings and a chunky sweater. 

But I can't wait to pull off the 'night' version of the look above... 

with a sweater pulled over a glamorous dress!

Lover Boy is gonna have to take me somewhere nice!

xo

I'm LINKING UP with Mom2MemphisandRuby for Fall Fashion Must Have's Top 10!

Okay, so I shared the link to this post on Facebook and had to include the song for those of you link back to there from there:

Daft Hands... If Only I Were So Cool!

Why I Love Blogging: A Quick, AMAZING, Example

Pretty much, I came back because of this:

I LOVE YOU GUYS!

i LOVE knowing people who:

miss me

share similarities of my sordid (yet, exciting) past

know my sordid past

encourage me

understand me

support me

!