Emotional Exorcism

I was just watching Guitar Center Sessions with Nic Harcourt. I have not previously made an effort to watch the show but the guest was Gary Allen. I've been a sucker for 'Watching Airplanes' since I was a little girl riding in the back seat daydreaming out of the window. Well, listening to his influences (i.e. Johnny Cash to 70's punk rock) and hearing of his 'Country music is about Monday through Friday' and telling the truth about every aspect of life helped me to connect a bit more. For example, his cover of Vertical Horizon's single 'Best I Ever Had' was not just a cover... his wife had committed suicide and his writing was stunted and so he chose a song to cover in lieu of writing one because he just, couldn't. That basically covers my obsession with music. I listen to relate to the emotion and to realize the feeling is mutual with people, strangers in the same state of mind make the world feel smaller... because I can't do it myself, no talent in that department. I've made peace with that.

Nic Harcourt asked an amazing question during the interview. He asked if Gary experienced 'some sort of emotional exorcism' when he wrote. What a stunning question and how startling to realize the answer is true to me as well, 'Oh, yes.' He described the occurrence as therapeutic and it came to me, as it has several times during slow moments in my mind, that music has always been a resounding force in my life. Every moment is relatable to some genre, some emotion, some song. Perhaps that's what's been missing. The only time I listen to music any more is in the car, and I'm subjected to some radio dj's playlist. Now's about the time I commandeer this ship and bring back some soul. Besides, my life isn't the kind of life that can be sustained by watching someone else's life happen.

If You Have Nothing Nice to Say, Say Nothing

.nothing.

Embarrassing? Psht!

There's something so liberating about coming out with it. I am linking up with The Eloping Stethoscope in lieu of Mom2MemphisandRuby's Tuesday Top 10. Paige is hosting this month and has a pretty banging topic for this week!

Reader Beware: You're about to get to know me... really well. 

Disclaimer: Isn't it crazy how the 'embarrassing things' are often just 'the truth'. I was thinking and came to the conclusion after this list that I get embarrassed about things I have done and shouldn't have.  However, instead of hiding behind the shame, I do it and then learn from it and then don't hide it from anyone. I have found being honest about my 'learning experiences' helps me overcome and learn from each one. I get a strange sense of accomplishment, perhaps because I overcame them and the shame. People make mistakes. I'm a professional. Also, some of these embarrassing things are things I could be embarrassed about... but I'm not. Starting with Number One:

1. I see a therapist.

         Before you say I shouldn't be embarrassed, you see the way someone looks at you when you start a sentence with "Yeah, I know what you mean! My therapist said..."

2. I hate to shower.

        I hate to bathe. I hate to get wet. The longest I have ever gone without a bath is about 13 days... give or take a few. I used to have to be coaxed into it. Hahaha, this one time, I had to be forced into the tub like a cat would have been. Don't worry though, I'm not the smelly kid. Ha! I've since changed my hippie ways.

3 & 4. I never graduated college.

        I hate school. I've been to two and dropped out of both within a few weeks. Technically, I don't even think I can say I gave it the ol' college try! 

       Another thing... I majored in booze and sex. There, I said it. The few years after high school and those couple of weeks I spent in college made me a shining example of why you shouldn't shelter your kids too much. Let them make their mistakes at home, in high school, where you can protect them and help them and save them from bigger mistakes. I was the stereotypical crazy ass girl with no direction and with no idea how to lead my own life because until then, no one let me. Want to scare your kids straight? Call me. For reals.

5. This photo:

6. I sing karaoke.

       I should be embarrassed about it because I suck at it. My fave song to sing is Johnny & June's "Jackson". A couple of drinks and an energized mischievousness have landed me mid bar belting this classic more than once!

7 & 8. My day job.

         I model.I know, most women would be proud. I really am of the runway stuff, it's the pin up stuff that makes my cheeks blush. 

         I'm also kinda embarrassed about our 'real' day job... even though I spend all of my energy convincing my husband we shouldn't be. We work in scrap metal; in a junkyard. It's the complete opposite of a glamorous day job like modeling, but it pays the bills really, REALLY, REALLY well.

9. I totally love The Twilight Saga.
         If you've ever had a fairy tale romance (like I did in high school) then you get it. No explanation necessary.

10. I'm a klutz.
         Just now, I busted my lip while putting my headphones back on to listen to music as I finish this post.

Eventually Karma Runs Out

"I think that when I die it will be from exhaustion of managing the constant struggle between fate and choice." -Me

Yet again I'm standing at the foot end of a project that once completed could be one of the most crowning achievements of my life. It is going to be so hard. Most people buy a house. I'm salvaging one. It's going to take a long time, a lot of elbow grease and so much blood, sweat, and tears I cringe at the thought of Summer 2012. I want it though, and I want it bad. But why, again, does it have to be so hard!? In a moment of weakness and exasperation Thursday I asked the following question:

"Why does it seem that everything I get or want I have to work ten times harder than most people? I don't mind really, but why can't I be one of those girls that just gets the things she wants?"

And then this was said:

"Eventually Karma runs out and you're given an opportunity to take an easier path."

Wait. What?

Really?

I haven't been able to stop thinking about that line for days. Have there been times like this that passed in my life? Times where an easier path was offered to me and yet I chose to take the harder one? It makes me sick to think that, or realize that, I deliberately chose to make my life more difficult. *Note here that I consider the life I've lived thus far to have been hard and I obviously don't feel as though anything has really been given to me. At least anything that I haven't squandered.

Perhaps it was the time I was offered the chance as a teenager to move in with my father and stepmother. I would have been catapulted from a strenuous stressful childhood into a comfortable life where I could have focused on myself and my goals and would have had people to help me and guide me and encourage me. I chose to stay behind because I felt an extreme need to be with my siblings, in an environment that left me no time to focus on myself.

Perhaps it was the time I was offered the chance to model for The Ford Agency. God only knows the opportunity that would have risen from such a once in a life time offer. Although it was decided for me, I did follow order and stay on the path that was laid out for me by well meaning grandparents. I was only 17 but I still regret not being strong enough to reach for the support of those who were offering to help me take control of my dreams.

Perhaps it was the time I was offered the chance to attend the University of Michigan... a school I no doubt would have had a greater chance of succeeding at considering there was significantly less distraction. I chose instead to follow a boy to the University of Georgia... we broke up three days before classes started. I majored in whiskey. I dropped out before the end of the year.

Perhaps it was the time I chose to abandon responsibility and float through the next 7 years without really making any hard decisions or putting any real effort into taking control of my life and forcing the direction I wanted to go. I basically floated downstream, without a paddle, working only to keep my head above the water.

This past year I've become stronger and more aware of what I expect from myself and my life. I have decided that through the past years I've worked so hard to fulfill goals and dreams and expectations that weren't mine. I've followed the leader down all of the paths that seemed right but actually were all wrong. If I redirect that energy and desire to please others into an energy and desire to please myself,  I'll succeed as a mother and a wife and get what I want for myself too. Then maybe I won't look back on these years and think of them as another hard road leading no where, but a hard road leading to exactly where I want it to.

I'm not going to give up on fate though. I think instead that I'll accept it, take control of it, and direct it rather than continue with the passive aggressive acceptance I've mastered.

Therapy Sesh Lession and Anxiety Sucks

Source: thedailyeverythings.blogspot.com via Michelle on Pinterest

Last week was rough, as I have heard was common for so many people! The cool thing about it? 

That it passed. 

We made it through and now we're rolling down hill, with the wind in our hair and the sun shining on our backs!

I'll share with you one of the most amazing things I learned in therapy this past year.

In a session I spent grieving over my frequent losing battles with depression and anxiety I explained how I felt a failure for not being able to control my emotions and keep the positive outlook that I loved so much.

It was suggested that instead of fighting the negative that I just go with it. Ride it out. Let it do it's thing and move forward, knowing that it would pass. Emotions often correspond with stages in life and like a roller coaster are constantly up and down... but that doesn't mean there is anything wrong or that there's a need for medication or other things.

The trick is to learn to find the common ground. When you're experiencing an extreme high, enjoy it but know that it will pass. Likewise, when you're experiencing an extreme low, stay focused and know that it will pass and the good times will be back.

Acknowledging this has saved my sanity.

Let's Talk About SEX

Actually, let's talk about intimacy. That's what I really want to understand more. I'm not sure if anyone will understand what I mean when I say I can easily have sex without being emotionally involved. Does that make me sound slutty? Or modern? Or like a douche bag dude? Ah well... either way, it's the truth. I've made it through 8 years of being sexually active without being particularly emotionally involved with whoever I was with... including a 5 year marriage. Sex was sex, man. Blame it on my mental super power to emotionally disassociated or the stint I spent as a pre-teen being abused, but it's just the way it is.

Until I met Brett. That's a whole 'nother story.

I went my entire first pregnancy without any desire. I was with my best friend and we had made a baby and we were satisfied. I mean in that way too... like for a year! But now I'm pregnant again but this time things are different. My relationship with my beau is much younger so the desire is naturally there but now we are incapable of connecting on a physical level. But I miss the intimacy that surrounded the act. I miss the before and the after... I mean like mad crazy miss it. I'm struggling to find a way to get near him despite our strict restrictions for baby's sake. We both seem to be at a loss, and I don't like the effect of the cause.

Any advice?

Between Two Evils, Both.

As my pregnancy curse draws to an end, I find myself daydreaming more and more about what I'm going to get to do when I'm NOT pregnant. Things I've been refraining from in order to be a stand up mom from the get go. Things that remind me that Mommy has a life.

{Warning! This is one of those 4:07 AM confession like posts that has not been edited to appease anyone.}

I Want To:

1. Do it. That's right, do it. Starting out strong, here, but bare with me. Bare it all. That's what I want to do. I mean, let's face it, I've spent more months pregnant with my beau (with ailments... like, all of them) than not and well... my current physical state is testament to what we found out we had in common after we started dating.

2. Drink the whole bottle of wine... myself. Specifically on a night when I'm hanging on the back porch of certain friend's house. Or sunning in the pool at others. Then, because I'm sure my tolerance will be devoured by the same evil wizard who took it in spite after my first pregnancy, I want to experience the love/hate relationship with a hangover that only allows memories of the night entrance into my psyche in forms of bright broken rays of light.

3. Go hiking with my boys. I'm especially wanting to get more into geocacheing. I haven't ever taken Aiden Gray with me but come on, he's my kid and his father's son so he'll totally be down to hunt for treasure. Also, I want to see Aiden's face light up when he first recognizes the water fall is in front of him. I'll probably let him spend another summer running around nude in the middle of the woods splashing in and out of the stream. Heck, you're only 5 once! Then, we'll watch The Goonies.

4. Sleep on my belly. I usually sleep in a very feminine seductive position that beckons for me to be cuddled. However, if I'm exhausted, like really exhausted, then I like to fall into the bed face first with limbs hanging over the edge and my OCD thrown out of the window! The drama behind the emotion is suited for my personality. Ha! Anyway... it's been months now since I woke up on my belly with a smile in my own drool to the comfort of a fully rested body and soul.

5. Go dancing. I want to meet up with Stella, dress the part, and head to Athens for a night of dancing, ciggies, and whiskey sours. Our handlers will be Jameson for her and Jack for me, as always. (That one's for you, too, Julie) We'll start the night mixing and matching our mood with the appropriate scene and end up where ever we're entertained more.

6. Eat sushi. 7. Wear a miniskirt. 8. Wake up on the beach. 9. Throw a party. 10. See a Motion City Soundtrack show.

Coincidentally, I'm linking up with Lena @ M2M&R!

Broken Love

*DISCLAIMER* This is not a post intended to spout hate towards Valentines Day... I am actually quite thrilled for this year's occasion! However, the moment seemed right and the song conjured a link to emotions from my past. Warning: This is not for the faint of heart!

One of my favorite lyrics is sang by John Mayer in his song Split Screen Sadness:

"All you need is love is a lie... 

'cuz we had love but we still said goodbye. 

Now we're tired, battered fighters." 

and is now followed closely by the line Lana Del Rey sings in this song, Born to Die:

"Sometimes love is not enough 

and the road gets tough 

I don't know why..."

Never before has a female artist hit so close to home for me. This song and video mimics all too close some of my very own written words. The emotion of the lyrics, I feel, is perfectly balanced with a sort of pop backdrop that I continuously find irresistible. 

I'll tell you a love story

Whiskey, smokes, and the occasional whore

I've had more accounts...

I can't keep track anymore

I'm desperately seeking the comfort of a bed

I've never been in before

I haven't loved anyone 

The only way I'd imagined I could

Don't fuck with me Darlin'

You'll only wish you'd run when you could

Have thought me just pretty

Before you knew the secret -

Self destruction and deceit

Are my favorite players in the night.

I'll walk in my night gown

Through graveyards of memories,

Drinking whiskey & marlboro's

To my empty bed full of him.

In A Fit of Fury.

My good gracious it is amazing how quickly my mood can switch from content to furious! I would blame my consistently rising hormones due to the little baby bump that is getting more obvious every day... but the quick transition is not something I am unfamiliar with.

I've realized a few characteristics I portray in moments I've coined 'fits' over the past number of years.

1. Turn on Motion City Soundtrack: There's just something about MCS that soothes my soul. I often start with my old faithful L.G. Fuad, screaming the lyrics I've long sense memorized and lived vicariously through and then segway into Point of Extinction, Where I Belong, and This is For Real.

"There's so much going on 

& I just need seven minutes

To calm myself back down.

Now I forgot where I was,

Was it me we were talking about?

This is where I fear from the start,

I keep falling apart."

MCS - Where I Belong

2. A Retaliating Monologue: I have stood way too many times in front of my bathroom mirror shouting to an unaware subject just how ticked I am. I surprise myself with touts of honesty and a bit of verbal abuse. The action is an excellent way to release the pent up emotion that probably shouldn't be expressed immediately. Most times this leads to written response that is later, by recommendation of Eastern religions, thrown away or burned to release the emotions and need to address and stamp or press 'send'.

3. A Yearning For A Glass of Wine & Smoke: Okay, okay, before you get all wide eyed & question my judgement... I didn't indulge. Although I certainly thought about it, over and over. In the past whenever this was not an option I would sit and whine and get frustrated but now thanks to months of therapy I sit myself down and and AND BREATHE. I can't express how much more difficult this task is but can assure any of you willing to try it will find out how beneficial it is to the moment. I suspect sometime in the future I'll begin to practice meditation. I am in wonder at the power of concentrating breathing... have you heard about "Pranayama"? Wikipedia says: Pranayama is a Sanskrit word meaning "extension of the prana or breath" or more accurately, "extension of the life force". The word is composed of two Sanskrit words, Prāna, life force, or vital energy, particularly, the breath, and "āyāma", to extend, draw out, restrain, or control. Click the bold lettered word to jump to the Wikipedia link itself.

4. A Long Drive: I'm not sure why a long drive can drown out my thoughts and help me relax. Perhaps my mother drove me around as an infant to get me to sleep or perhaps it eases my Gypsy soul's desire to run... whatever the case, it works. Usually, whatever has plagued me before the end of the drive has passed and my nerves have settled.

So that's that for today. I can't say that finally figuring out my routine doesn't help also.

P.S. Not sure why, but there's something about this photo that calms my soul too: